Last night was a bad night. My youngest (okay, by two minutes, but still)... and I got into a fight. There was a belt, lots of tears, and red butt cheeks. I am not ashamed, nor will I apologize for the butt-busting he got. What I'm dying inside about are the things we said to each other.
He said I was mean, I said he was being stupid. Doesn't even really compare with what he said, does it? I know he's not stupid, and I didn't mean it in a way like, "God, Adrian... you're stupid!" Just... it's stupid and futile to fight back with me. I will win.
It breaks my heart when I speak before I think. The thing is: they're so careful with their words to me. They've never said they don't love me, they've definitely never said they hate me (although I physically feel it coming), they've never called me anything other than "mean."
Of course, they talk back. Which is what we get into 90% of disagreements about. Half of the time when I tell them do something, they argue. I cannot stand that. I know I did it when I was their age, I know I still have the tendency to do it. But how about do as I say and not as I do? Jeez.
I'm working on it.
They went to school today freshly showered, in warm clothing, with lunch paid for. I don't know other than work on my tendency to be a bad mommy what else I can do for them. I so desperately want to be the type of mother who always raises her children up and never tears them down... like my mother was. But I just don't know how.
I think it's possibly time to go to the doctor. I've been on and off anti-depressants my whole life. Things are getting bad, lately, though. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and RAGING at the drop of a pin. I wish I could get better control of my emotional (and auditory) responses to things, but I have no idea how.
I maybe need a rubber band on my wrist to pop every time I want to say something stupid.
I'm so scared of fucking up all the time.
Crap, just realize it's almost time for work.
Today is going to be my day. I will make a ton of sales.
(Never hurts to think positively, does it?)