Woke up this morning, and I'm just not feeling it. I am in a funk today. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I want to keep it honest if not in my real life... at least here.
I completely broke down last night about a ton of different things. I'm sad that my kids are growing up. I can barely pick them up and hold them anymore. They're almost four feet tall, and over 50 pounds each. (Which isn't that big, when you think about it... they're skinny for their age/height.)
I feel like I wasted so much of their lives being frustrated and not appreciating the wonder of discovering the world with them. I've always ever just wanted to be a good mother to my boys. But I feel like I'm just not one of those women blessed with the mothering gene.
I've been angry and yelled too much. I feel like I've broken them. They're still sweet boys, but there's something behind their eyes sometimes that lets me know they're still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've mellowed overall; I really have. But I still get upset sometimes... as is normal, I feel. But seeing that fear every once in a while is more than I can handle.
I love them so much. I tell them all the time, but I need to do a better job of constantly showing it.
Another thing I'm struggling with currently is my job. I love being in the jewelry business. I love working with people and finding them the perfect gift for the holidays, or for a birthday or anniversary. What I don't love is the politics. The fact that if I don't sell a person on filling out a credit application every day, I could lose my job. What if they don't need credit? Doesn't matter. Offer it. Push it. Get it at any cost.
Working in my current environment is slowly chipping away at my soul. It's not the commission, it's not the store, and it's not the merchandise. It's the people, the management styles. And the thing is: I like them all personally. (Okay, not EVERY SINGLE ONE.) As salespeople? No. As managers? Hell no. I hate half of their selling styles. And I hate being micro-managed.
Everyone gets so ridiculously aggressive... and over what? If we don't all work together we end up with a half of a percent commission. Half of something is better than all of nothing. And no one seems to understand that. It's driving me up the wall. And then when it comes to management, them breathing down all of our necks every day. I want to just scream constantly!
Add to the fact that they've let me know from the beginning that it doesn't matter how well they like any one of us: it's a standards-driven company. So if we're not making quota we could be gone at any moment. The fact that I'm just a number to them, not a person... it's hard.
I'm trying to get into a new company, but moving two weeks before Christmas makes no sense at all, especially when I already have my bearings at my current job (essentially). Although the lady I interviewed with told me to give her a call after the first of the year because they're interested in me. So I'm trying to keep a smile on my face, a little spring in my step, and I'm trying to make my numbers to show the new company after the holidays.
I wish I had some good news.