Big News

Morale is back where it needs to be. I got a new job. I'm really excited about it. I'll be making more per hour, more commission, it'll be good. I'll talk more about it later.

Weight Watchers has been rough for me (don't ask me why, but a website telling me I can only have 30 points per day is like saying, "Please binge eat." There have been 45-50 point days. Oops.). But I'm getting into the groove now nicely. It's been 3.5 weeks and I think I've lost maybe 5 lbs. Which isn't stellar... but whatever. It's better than gaining.

Also, my grandmother just had surgery to remove the top lobe of her lung on Monday, and she's going back to a rehabilitation facility for the next few weeks (or possibly months?). She really loves it at this place, she's been there before... and I'm so scared she'll go into a depression again when she has to leave like she did the last time. She's 88 years old, and this was major surgery. She had a spot of cancer on her lung and that scares the crap out of all of us.

I'm taking the boys up to see her this afternoon (she got settled in around noon today, so it should be fine granted she's not all tuckered out). They haven't seen her in a month or two, my poor boys. They love their Mema.

Anyway, I'll be back in a few days to talk about how my first day went at the new job, talk about what happened at my old job when I told them, etc.

Valentine's Day and What I've Been Eating

Ah, Valentine's Day. The day of commercial love. What were WE up to? Not much.

Went shopping for Valentine's Day stuff for the boys (we got them each a little box of their favorite candies), had lunch at Jimmy John's (only 8 points for the Turkey Tom - awesome!), then called back a man for a job interview (NOT Zales, darnitall - but we'll talk about the other company if the interview goes well), went to the boys' school for their Valentine's Day parties, and came home.

Adrian got a good haul at his party! 

Patrick was just lucky to participate.
He got in alot of trouble today. 

Adrian's story about Punxsutawney Phil.

Adrian showing me his art work! <3

More art!

Close-up.

Patrick's about me worksheet. :) 

Patrick's artwork! 

Patrick's craft project. <3 

Ha, the kids were playing heads up seven up. 

Then we went over to Steve's parents' house and visited with his family.

His grandma is in town, and he lives in Indiana, so she only comes down once or twice a year. She seems like a nice lady, it's good that the boys got to visit with her.

Now let's get to the good stuff: what I've been eating.

Chicken thighs and sweet potato fries. <3 

Cheddar broccoli soup! 

Butternut squash and chicken legs. 

Honey Bunches of Oats and an English muffin. 

A box dinner. Thumbs down. 

Speaks for itself. So flippin' good.

Jimmy John's - turkey tom and potato chips!

Grapes. Yummeh. 

Chicken quesadilla plus more chicken!

On the whole - it seems like my diet is more balanced lately.

I've really been enjoying Weight Watchers!

I came in on my first week at a 1.2 pound weight loss.

We'll see what next Wednesday brings!

So, Yeah.

About that possible new job? I'm 99% sure that ain't happenin'.

I met with both managers, the District Manager in Training and the Store Manager at the Galleria location... they both loved me. Then I set up an interview with the Store Manager at an outlet location very close to home.

She was not my biggest fan.

Or even a fan at all.

I walked in an immediately it was awkward silence as we walked back to her office. Normally, I can sustain chit-chat... not that day. Then I handed her my resumé, she READ IT in its entirety RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Silently, of course.

Then she asked me to tell her about myself, about my standards (metrics, numbers, whatever you want to call them) at my current store and I was honest with her. I told her the areas where I excelled and where I struggled.

She was not impressed with me.

We talked for maybe ten minutes, and she dismissed me with an "I'll let you know one way or another".

Guess moving companies was just not meant to be.

T-Minus 18 days until I'm fired from Jared (so my current boss keeps telling me, if my numbers aren't 100% where they need to be at the end of this month).

Also.

I peeked at the scale yesterday (remember, I'd been doing Weight Watchers diligently for 4 days!) and I had lost 3.1 lbs!

So I ended up accidentally have a cheat day. Not really "cheat"... I tracked everything as best I could, but I ate way over my daily budget (but didn't break the bank on the weekly "allowance" points!) then weighed again today just out of curiosity's sake and had regained 2.3 lbs of that.

That sucks.

Morale is not good today.

But I am off for the day. So I might print up a few copies of my resumé and go speak to some managers at local jewelry stores.

What Does It Mean?

Failure. MandaPanda left me an interesting comment this morning, and it got me to thinking.

Here's what she said:

"I'm up 30 from my lowest too! It's like lap band failures left and right around here. It's funny…all the blogs I found when I was starting my journey were people being successful, hitting goals, being super stars. I don't know what happened. I can't say I'd recommend the band to anyone at this point even though I'm still 40 lbs down. It's a big expense and I still feel deprived half the time. Sorry - don't want to hijack your comments section. LOL. Sounds like you're off to a good start. Keep it up and keep us posted!"

First, I love me some MandaPanda... she always has interesting things to say.

Second, I've gotten to thinking about failure lately, and what it means to me. Does the fact that I've regained some weight mean my lapband hasn't worked for me? No. (That's not what we're saying here, though.)

But the fact is that it's true, when I first started blogging here almost three and a half years ago, everyone was losing weight like crazy! We had all (mostly) been banded within about a year of each other and we were (again, mostly) in the honeymoon stage of our journey where life was all sunshine and rainbows when it came to shedding those pounds. Every week we were posting those 3-4 pound losses, or talking about what 40 pounds of total weight loss came to in the real world. Anyone remember those babies?

We're not there anymore. Most of us have been maintaining our weight for a long time, even if they're not where we thought we'd be when we stopped losing weight. But sometimes things change. You get a little too comfortable with your eating habits, you say, "Well, I've been good today, I can have that second piece of cake."

And somehow over time, instead of the exception, it becomes the rule.

I PERSONALLY have had moments lately where I've said to myself, "I've been good for years. I can eat whatever I want today. I deserve it."

And can I?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely!

Will binge-eating (which inevitably happens) help me love myself more in the morning, though?

No.

Because that's where I take it. I have an addictive personality. So I can't JUST have an extra piece, or one candy... I have to eat all the things before my crazy mind will be satisfied.

For any of my Louis C.K. fans out there, you might recognize this quote, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I stop."

This is me.

When will I learn?

To me (and again, I realize I'm taking Amanda's comment WAY out of context, because what I believe she meant was just the actual device failure not human failure - but I could be wrong), failure is when I throw in the towel mid-day and say, "Well, I've already screwed up breakfast. I might as well have [insert something deep-fried and disgusting here] for lunch, OH... and since I'm being bad, I can have [something worse] for dinner! I haven't had that in years."

And put that on repeat for a week, or a month, or six months. One day does not a failure make, but backsliding to the point that you no longer care about the consequences? That's failure. And that's where I've been.

The dictionary defines failure as "a fracturing or giving away under stress." And of course I use that particular definition because it's the best suited for my diatribe here, even though it was the third one listed.

I'd given up my diet, or at least controlling my intake where my diet was concerned, because life got hard. I was still eating the "right food," just 3 times the amount I should have been.

It's hard to lose control. Whether it be control over your weight, your job situation, your love life. It's all bad.

But we can get it back.

I know I will.

What does failure mean to you?

Watching My Weight

So my weight's gotten a little out of control.

At my "highest" (since losing weight initially) I was 185, and right now I'm 180. I was down to 149.8 at one point. Come to think of it... that was almost a year and a half ago. That's 30-35 pounds I've gained! It's frightening how fast it comes back on. I know I've talked about this before.

I have been eating low-carb for almost two years, and it isn't really working for me anymore.

Let me rephrase: it would work, if I could control myself. But I can't. I put butter on everything (because it's ALLOWED - actually, encouraged!), I eat way too much red meat, and I was eating at least a cup of cheese per day.

Yeah, I'm aware. It sounds gross, but it was epic. However, some days I was eating around 2500 calories in one 24 hour period. That's not okay. That's definitely not conducive to weight loss.

So instead of all of that... I started Weight Watchers today, this is what I ate:

Breakfast: 2 cups of popcorn.
Lunch: tortilla pizza (basically just a tortilla with a small amount of pizza sauce and cheese, broiled for a few minutes until the cheese is melted).
Snack(s): 5 baby carrots with 2 tbsp hummus, 1 medium gala apple, 1 medium banana, 1/2 bagel with 2 tbsp cream cheese.
Dinner: 6 oz spicy pork spareribs, 1 cup steamed broccoli.
Dessert: light peach cobbler.

After eating all of that (the snacks were all spread out, not consumed at once)? I was at 31 points for the day. I'm allowed 30 for my weight and height, but I have 49 extra weekly allowance points, so it was fine.

I wasn't hungry, I wasn't deprived, it was all very civilized.

I signed up for 3 months. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to weigh every Wednesday, and TRY not to any days in-between.

I need to hide my scale from myself.

Broken Record

My last post was career-related, and so will this one be. I'm a broken record over here. But I've really been unhappy since the very beginning with my current job. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm working at Jared.

I went on an interview this afternoon with Zales. I'm not sure how this company compares, but I know I want to find out. I'm sick of the sales staff not working together at my current position. I'm sick of petty fighting. I'm sick of bosses who use fear as a managing technique. I'm sick of being promised things and having them yanked away at the last minute. I'm sick and tired of being condescended to in front of customers and just in general.

And what really bothers me is: I want to land somewhere and have it stick. I don't like hopping from store to store. I was with my last job for a year, which I didn't think was long enough. I've been with Jared for 6 months. I wanted to stay somewhere for 3-5 years, more if there are advancement opportunities. These little nothings don't do anything for my resumé except make me look flighty.

As I said in my last entry, this is what I want to do for my career... as stupid as that is.

Anyway, back to the interview. It went really well. I asked a ton of good questions, I talked about myself and what I do (and my knowledge) with confidence, and I talked about what I could bring to their company. And I seemed to have had a great rapport with the manager. He's actually District Manager in Training, Hiring Manager, and Store Manager (until training is complete, probably) all in one, and he seemed impressed with ME. We talked about my strengths and weaknesses, it was all very real somehow.

He ended up forwarding my resumé to all the store managers in the area and apparently talking me up really well, so I have a follow-up interview tomorrow with the Store Manager at the Galleria location. I'm meeting him ridiculously early, but that's okay. I am a morning person, after all.

I wish I had more good news to report.

Hopefully by my next blog I'll be announcing my excitement about new employers!