What Does It Mean?

Failure. MandaPanda left me an interesting comment this morning, and it got me to thinking.

Here's what she said:

"I'm up 30 from my lowest too! It's like lap band failures left and right around here. It's funny…all the blogs I found when I was starting my journey were people being successful, hitting goals, being super stars. I don't know what happened. I can't say I'd recommend the band to anyone at this point even though I'm still 40 lbs down. It's a big expense and I still feel deprived half the time. Sorry - don't want to hijack your comments section. LOL. Sounds like you're off to a good start. Keep it up and keep us posted!"

First, I love me some MandaPanda... she always has interesting things to say.

Second, I've gotten to thinking about failure lately, and what it means to me. Does the fact that I've regained some weight mean my lapband hasn't worked for me? No. (That's not what we're saying here, though.)

But the fact is that it's true, when I first started blogging here almost three and a half years ago, everyone was losing weight like crazy! We had all (mostly) been banded within about a year of each other and we were (again, mostly) in the honeymoon stage of our journey where life was all sunshine and rainbows when it came to shedding those pounds. Every week we were posting those 3-4 pound losses, or talking about what 40 pounds of total weight loss came to in the real world. Anyone remember those babies?

We're not there anymore. Most of us have been maintaining our weight for a long time, even if they're not where we thought we'd be when we stopped losing weight. But sometimes things change. You get a little too comfortable with your eating habits, you say, "Well, I've been good today, I can have that second piece of cake."

And somehow over time, instead of the exception, it becomes the rule.

I PERSONALLY have had moments lately where I've said to myself, "I've been good for years. I can eat whatever I want today. I deserve it."

And can I?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely!

Will binge-eating (which inevitably happens) help me love myself more in the morning, though?

No.

Because that's where I take it. I have an addictive personality. So I can't JUST have an extra piece, or one candy... I have to eat all the things before my crazy mind will be satisfied.

For any of my Louis C.K. fans out there, you might recognize this quote, "I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I stop."

This is me.

When will I learn?

To me (and again, I realize I'm taking Amanda's comment WAY out of context, because what I believe she meant was just the actual device failure not human failure - but I could be wrong), failure is when I throw in the towel mid-day and say, "Well, I've already screwed up breakfast. I might as well have [insert something deep-fried and disgusting here] for lunch, OH... and since I'm being bad, I can have [something worse] for dinner! I haven't had that in years."

And put that on repeat for a week, or a month, or six months. One day does not a failure make, but backsliding to the point that you no longer care about the consequences? That's failure. And that's where I've been.

The dictionary defines failure as "a fracturing or giving away under stress." And of course I use that particular definition because it's the best suited for my diatribe here, even though it was the third one listed.

I'd given up my diet, or at least controlling my intake where my diet was concerned, because life got hard. I was still eating the "right food," just 3 times the amount I should have been.

It's hard to lose control. Whether it be control over your weight, your job situation, your love life. It's all bad.

But we can get it back.

I know I will.

What does failure mean to you?