Last night was a bad night. My youngest (okay, by two minutes, but still)... and I got into a fight. There was a belt, lots of tears, and red butt cheeks. I am not ashamed, nor will I apologize for the butt-busting he got. What I'm dying inside about are the things we said to each other.
He said I was mean, I said he was being stupid. Doesn't even really compare with what he said, does it? I know he's not stupid, and I didn't mean it in a way like, "God, Adrian... you're stupid!" Just... it's stupid and futile to fight back with me. I will win.
It breaks my heart when I speak before I think. The thing is: they're so careful with their words to me. They've never said they don't love me, they've definitely never said they hate me (although I physically feel it coming), they've never called me anything other than "mean."
Of course, they talk back. Which is what we get into 90% of disagreements about. Half of the time when I tell them do something, they argue. I cannot stand that. I know I did it when I was their age, I know I still have the tendency to do it. But how about do as I say and not as I do? Jeez.
I'm working on it.
They went to school today freshly showered, in warm clothing, with lunch paid for. I don't know other than work on my tendency to be a bad mommy what else I can do for them. I so desperately want to be the type of mother who always raises her children up and never tears them down... like my mother was. But I just don't know how.
I think it's possibly time to go to the doctor. I've been on and off anti-depressants my whole life. Things are getting bad, lately, though. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and RAGING at the drop of a pin. I wish I could get better control of my emotional (and auditory) responses to things, but I have no idea how.
I maybe need a rubber band on my wrist to pop every time I want to say something stupid.
I'm so scared of fucking up all the time.
Crap, just realize it's almost time for work.
Today is going to be my day. I will make a ton of sales.
(Never hurts to think positively, does it?)
OK. you are NOT a bad momma!!! You're a normal woman raising two little boys, planning a wedding, and trying to create your own family life. Shit happens. We all get mad and say things that we don't mean. I think you're boys are smart enough to realize that!
ReplyDeleteMy mouth gets me in trouble all the time. Damn those smart ass comments that just fly right out!!! I've found that if I repeat what the other person just said that made me mad, it gives me about 2.5 seconds to think about a better response than 'F*ck you'.
But please don't beat yourself up! I can't tell you how many times I backtalked my parents and how many screaming matches and name calling arguments we got into. And I turned out ok. At least I think I did. ;)
Chin up buttercup!!!
You're not a bad mom! We ALL have those moments and any mother who says differently is lying. Your mom would argue that she tore you down plenty, you just don't remember it because that wasn't what happened all the time and you knew were you loved. I know we could all improve as parents...I have very little patience with my little ones when they're getting sassy but we're trying. If you think antidepressants would help, then by all means...go get them! But get them for YOU...not for some perceived notion of what type of mother you are. :)
ReplyDelete